Talking To Your College Student

By: Scott Gargan

As a mother who plans to send her daughter off to college this fall, Anna Chakravarti has made sure to talk with her daughter, Maya, about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. And though Chakravarti knows there will be greater exposure to these substances in college, she trusts her daughter, an incoming freshman at Hampshire College, to make the right decisions.

"We know (substances) are going to be available, we know it's going to be around," said Chakravarti, a Stamford resident. "But she has strategies on what to do."

As the class of 2013 enters its freshman year, parents across Fairfield County are preparing to release their kids from the nest of parental supervision into a world that includes substance abuse. According to theJournal on Studies on Alcohol, 31 percent of college students met criteria for a diagnosis of alcohol dependency.

Area therapists and educators said it behooves parents to talk with their children about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and to keep an eye on them, even after they move into their dormitory. But for many parents, this may require a radical new approach to the way they handle the issue.

"We have a culture in Fairfield County where parents literally condone drinking by turning a blind eye to it," said Rosemarie Turner, senior clinical supervisor at Family Centers' Darien office. "Parents say, They are going to do it anyway, so what can I do?' "

Equally as troubling, said Arch Street Teen Center director Kyle Silver, are parents who institute a policy of zero tolerance, "but do a 180" after their kids move out.

"If you're the student who has been living under the auspices that drinking is absolutely not allowed and parents release that net, those are the students that go crazy," said Silver.

He added that many parents treat the issue as taboo, rarely discussing the specific effects of drugs and alcohol, thus leaving their children ignorant to hazards like binge drinking.

To help their kids transition to college, therapists and educators urged parents to keep the lines of communication open. But as many parents like Chakravarti have discovered, "it's not always easy."

"There's a fine line between having open communication and your kid thinking you're interfering," she said.

However, Turner said parents shouldn't be afraid to confront their kids, especially when they notice danger signs -- changes in mood and emotional isolation -- that could indicate substance abuse problems.

"Go see them, go up there," said Turner, who has put four kids through college. "You need to check on your kid. Don't dismiss those intuitive feelings."

At the same time, Silver said parents must come to terms with reality -- alcohol and drugs are going to be available and there's a good chance kids will experiment with them. He said they could end up becoming secretive, leaving parents even more in the dark. How would a parent feel, he asked, if a child needed help and didn't call because "they're afraid their parents will have an adverse reaction?"

Educators and therapists agreed that it's impossible for parents to be keep a constant watch over their children. However, if parents can establish a bond based on honesty and understanding and adequately prepare their children for the challenges ahead, they have a much better chance of leading a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle.

"Make your kids aware of what they're facing," Turner said. "College is wonderful, incredible experience. You want them to have a good time, but you don't want to them to die."